Whilst on holiday last week in Malta, we met up with some new friends who live on the island. Over dinner, they told me that they’ve been together for five years and soon after getting married, they enrolled on a course of marriage lessons.

Now, I really wasn’t sure what to make of this. He’s American, and so it’s fine. But I mean, a Yorkshireman is never going to enrol on marriage lessons is he? He just isn’t. For one thing, it would be an admission that he may be slightly less than perfect. Obviously ridiculous. And for another, he’d feel a bit daft. It just isn’t in our genes.

But as they told me a bit more about it, I could see that there were some interesting underlying ideas – ones that have implications beyond the environment of the ball and chain. (Yes, I know ~ the political correctness lessons aren’t really kicking in either yet.)

One of the things they teach on the course is that there are five different ways of showing love ~ and obviously by definition, receiving love. These are (from memory) kind words, kind deeds, gifts, physical affection, and spending quality time. The theory goes that problems occur in a relationship when the parties’ needs are not compatible ~ when one partner’s natural pattern of behaviour is to show love in ways that the other partner doesn’t readily appreciate.

It may be, for example, that the husband enjoys receiving presents. He thinks his wife will feel the same way and showers her with gifts. But the wife isn’t receptive to this at all. You see, in her past, she’s been in relationships with people who have used gifts as a substitute for attention (or maybe as an apology) and therefore to her, the giving of presents has a negative connotation.

Or it may be that the wife likes to hear kind loving words from her husband, and so expresses her love for him in that way. She doesn’t get the response she’s hoping for, and that’s because in past relationships, kind words have been used as a precursor to the delivery of unpleasant news, an unreasonable request or as a set up for an insult or put down. The words create discomfort in the husband – maybe even on a subliminal level – when their intention is quite the opposite.

There’s a lot more to it, but hopefully you get the idea. Two people can interpret seemingly positive words, gestures and actions in completely different ways – so different in fact, that it creates conflict. Why? Because, the reaction of one party can be so radically opposed to what the other expects.

It’s a fairly small step to realise that if this is true for marriages, it’s true for all relationships – including business ones. Now I’m not suggesting for a moment that you want to express love for your customers – or indeed that physical affection and spending quality time together would be appropriate ways of doing it – but most businesses want to express appreciation to their customers. And it’s certainly true that words, deeds and gifts may be ways to do that.

Most of us would naturally show appreciation in a way that would appeal to us personally, but the message from marriage lessons suggests that this could be ineffective – even counter-productive. I can see two possible solutions…

Where you’re dealing with customers on a one-to-one basis, it would be worth taking some time to find out the type of person they are, and what sort of appreciation would receive the best reception from them. If that’s not possible (and it won’t be if you’re dealing with groups of customers who have divergent responses) make efforts to counter any misunderstandings or misinterpretation at the time of delivery.

So if you’re sending your customer a gift, be at pains to stress that it’s simply a thank you for their business, and that nothing is expected in return. If you’re sending them a message of thanks, make it just that – not a disguised sales letter or a set up for a notification of price increase. That way, at least you minimise the risk of any damage to people who are unreceptive to these sorts of communications in the first place.

In most communications, the best approach (and certainly the one to use in the absence of other information) is ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself’. But there are times when this clearly doesn’t work as you might expect.

I’ll be more aware of this in the future, and I’m sure you will be too.

Postscript

After I heard about this, I suggested to my wife that she enrol on the marriage lessons first, and then I’d judge whether she’d improved before deciding whether to go myself.

For some reason, that was another communication that wasn’t well received!

Kind Regards

John Harrison 

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Probably the best self-help book ever written is ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’, by Dale Carnegie. It was the forerunner to so many other books, courses and tape programmes, and although the language used now seems a little archaic, its underlying messages are as relevant today as they ever were. 

If you haven’t read it, do it now. You won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, one of the quotations that always sticks in my mind from the book, comes from Al Capone (that gives you some idea how long ago it was written) when he says:

“I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”

Yes, that’s the notorious Chicago gangster, Al Capone – the man responsible for more murder and mayhem than anyone else in his era. And yet he didn’t condemn or blame himself for anything. In fact, he saw himself as a public benefactor – somebody doing good for his fellow man, and not being appreciated for it ~ someone wronged and misunderstood.

For some reason, I found myself thinking about Al Capone as I watched Heather Mills descend the steps following the close of her divorce case with Paul McCartney. She proceeded to present a version of events that was completely at variance with the facts as they were revealed in the full report on the judgement, which was published the next day.

And you just knew that despite all the evidence to the contrary, she believed that she was ‘in the right’. Like Capone, she believed herself to be someone wronged and misunderstood. And no amount of exposure to the bare facts would sway her from that view.

And to a greater or lesser extent, most of us are like Mills and Capone. We have a high capacity for self-justification, and are remarkably resistant to evidence or persuasion that we are wrong, or in some way to blame for events.

You may have noticed that I spend quite a lot of time, attempting to dissuade you from one course of action, and move you towards another. In the course of that, I’m being critical of what you’re currently doing and laying the blame (if indeed there’s anything for you to be blamed for) right at your door.

Now I know you’re resistant to any suggestions I might make, and I also know you’re defensive in the face of criticism. But it’s for your own good, for goodness sake! And that’s why I do it.

But…and here’s the thing…

If I was trying to sell you something, it would be foolish of me to point out your shortcomings, your failings and your errors. It would be silly of me to point out that in all likelihood, if you have problems that need solutions, it’s your own fault. You’re to blame.

Why? Because you’d reject my criticism, and reject what I’m offering at the same time. I don’t mind you rejecting what I say in this book (other than for the fact that I’m right, and you’d do well to listen!) because it doesn’t cost me anything, but if you reject what I say in an advertisement or sales letter, you reject my product.

You miss out on a great product and I miss out on the purchase price!

And it’s exactly the same for you…

Your customer doesn’t believe he’s to blame for anything, so why antagonise him by suggesting that he is? He believes he’s been misunderstood, unlucky, misinformed, exploited, conned, tricked and misled in the past. He takes comfort in the fact that it wasn’t his fault. So why swim against the tide?

Agree with him, sympathise with him, and then move on to explain how what you’re selling will solve the problem he’s now facing. That way, you get him on your side from the start, rather than raising his hackles and switching him off.

Isn’t this a little manipulative?

Maybe, but it brings the ideal end result of a win-win situation that much closer, so it’s certainly justifiable. A little manipulation can be justified, I think, just so long as it benefits both parties rather than one at the expense of the other…Or maybe that’s just me doing a Capone-Mills!

I’ll leave you to decide for yourself.

 John Harrison

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