A Little Known Use For A Dwarf

Whilst reading yesterday’s Sun over lunch (the perfect accompaniment to a salad sandwich) I had to make a mental check that it wasn’t April 1st.

According to a full-page article on page 21, criminals have come up with a new, ingenious way to rob holidaymakers. Ever considered committing a heist on a Wallace Arnold coach? Thought not, but if you did, what you need to do first is recruit an accomplice who’s a dwarf!

I sense some puzzlement. Allow me to explain…

First you book yourself on to a coach trip. Next, you put your dwarf in a suitcase, and get it loaded into the cargo hold of the coach. As you see, the reason for your accomplice’s diminutive stature is becoming all too apparent.

Once the journey is underway, your dwarf unzips himself from the suitcase, rifles through everyone’s luggage, nicks their valuables and gets back into your case before the end of the journey.

At the other end, you pick up your case (kindly unloaded for you by the driver) and make off with the booty and dwarf. Release your dwarf and tip him upside down by his ankles to empty the loot from his pockets.


I’m often reluctantly impressed by the enterprise and ingenuity displayed by criminals in their quest to make an ill-gotten gain. But I’m a little depressed by it too – partly because there are always victims to any crime, and partly because the ‘rewards’ are so small compared to the risk. The enterprise and ingenuity are both misdirected and wasted.

There are plenty of perfectly legal and ethical ways to make money that don’t infringe any one else’s rights, and don’t run the risk of a spell of involuntary confinement.

If the criminals who come up with these plans were to direct their undoubted skills along legal lines, I’m convinced they’d make a fortune, and never again wake in a cold sweat over an encounter in the showers with an 18-stone bodybuilder called Clyde. But maybe that’s not the point. Maybe the thrill is the thing, not the reward.

Well I’ll take the reward every time – and get the thrill somewhere else.

Watching the news last night, I see that police raided 17 addresses in Slough yesterday, and found small children as young as two, smuggled in from Eastern Europe to be trained up as criminals. Suddenly it all becomes clear ~ there just aren’t enough dwarves to go around!

Kind Regards

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John Harrison  



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   Kind Regards,

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